Everybody says that it is normal, but now I really think im going mad while writing my thesis. I am suffing from deprivation of sleep and am under time pressure, not even a whole week until the colloquium. I am awake now for more than 28 hours and … I am getting creative, have ideas, feel like I have a solution for the whole problem of writing a thesis. After working on my designs the whole night, at first it’s 3, than 4, than 5 then you think it is not worth anymore to go to bed for just 2 hours, I was getting my best design ideas. Then a really good chat with my lecturer. He really opened up my eyes. It is not that I don’t know what to do, or how to do it, but I do all my things intuitively without being able to explain it and put it to the right context. When I do things bad in design, I feel it, I even see that it is bad, or know where exactly the problem is, but no just get the solution when I explain it to others.

Also the documentation I was writing so far, seemed completely useless to me. Now I feel like my eyes had been opened and it is not useless at all, I just need to put it into the right context, and add another sentence, change the order.  It is crazy that you can have the right intuition, the right thoughts, but if you don’t listen or can’t explain it in the right words, it feels like nonsense to you. Whereas just a tiny little bit of focus, an order, and not the trial to produce something completely perfect, but start with small steps and going on that way can make the same thoughts being brilliant and clear.

Now that I got that enlightenment I am seriously afraid of going to bed and wake up, and everything is gone. I had that several times, that before going to bed, you think you have a great idea, and the next morning, you look at that idea but it is just not as good as you thought. You completely demotivate yourself, and rejects any opportunity to let this idea grow at all.

So what should I do, now that me black and green tea bags are gone, I can’t drink coffee without getting diar… I need to say, I feel a bit like being on drugs, so sleepy and bit in trance but full of ideas now. If someone could stop me falling asleep for the next 48 hours I could finish that thesis I guess.
Well I will just do as much as I can now, still for the next few hours, until it is getting dark. Then I can fall asleep. Still have to get up tomorrow going on with my presentation and documentation. Days are leaving and soon I can count the days for presentation on one hand. My mobile phone calendar reminds me of the colloquium on the idle screen, and I start hating it.

Well maybe it is just that I really need to put myself into timepressure but produce quality and creativity.
Ok next time I just start earlier staying awake over night, and put deadlines as soon as possible. Crazy … but at least it was coming, already thought I would have lost all my creativity and intelligence while doing that damn thesis .

Life goes on.